Kids get the most out of school if they strengthen this key relationship, experts say: They need to feel 'seen, heard and valued'

When Michele Myers' daughter was in the 5th grade, she told her mom that she didn't like her teacher very much. 

"[My daughter] said everything she did was met with complaints and resistance," Myers says. 

Some parents' knee-jerk reaction might be to become combative with the teacher. But Myers, an assistant professor of elementary literacy education at Wake Forest University, took a different approach. She asked her daughter's teacher what the two of them could do, as a team, to support her child. 

"I wanted her to know we are in this together," she says. "It wasn't me against her or her against me. Both of us need to work together for the common good of my child."

She and Linda C. Mayes, a professor of child psychiatry, pediatrics and psychology in the Yale Child Study Center, recently co-authored the book The Educator's Guide to Building Child & Family Resilience. 

In order for a child to get the most out of school, it is crucial for them to have a good relationship with their educators, Mayes and Myers say.

"A kid is going to learn more from someone who they know cares about them," Myers says. "Kids feel they are seen, heard, and valued, and they have a place in that classroom where they matter."

Here's how to check in on whether your child and their teacher are getting along.

Asking your child directly, "Do you like your teacher?" isn't probably the best way to gauge how they're feeling. Their answer might be swayed by what they did that day, as opposed to how they actually feel about the relationship as a whole. 

"Broadly, children do better if you're not asking them direct questions," Mayes says. "Children are still developing their cognitive ability to think complexly. They have a hard time with questions that have more nuanced answers." 

Kids also might feel like they are being asked certain questions because they should have an issue with their teacher, Myers says. 

"Whenever I would ask direct questions [to my kids] I think they were sort of interpreting my question as saying that there were problems — that something was wrong," she says. "That's not the message I wanted to send." 

Instead, ask open-ended questions. Myers offers up the following examples: 

• What was the most exciting thing your teacher did today?
• What is something you learned and didn't know?
• What did you like about today? 
• Tell me how your teacher handled [insert a situation your child is telling you about].

Carefully listen to the answers. Oftentimes, children are telling you how they feel about their teacher even if you don't explicitly ask.

If your child returns home from school claiming their teacher is "awful," that is an obvious indication that something might be worth addressing, Myers says. But sometimes the signs will be more subtle 

"They might shut down and have nothing to say," when you ask how their day went or what their teacher taught them, Myers says. If they don't want to talk about school, that could also mean they aren't having the best time. 

If you feel like your child isn't getting along with their teacher, the best course of action is to ask the teacher how the two of you can improve the situation so your kid will benefit from being in their class, as Myers did.

Be sure not to jump to conclusions about the teacher if your child doesn't describe them in exclusively positive terms.

"My oldest daughter had this one teacher who she would say was so demanding," Myers says. 

This did not set off any alarms in Myers' head. 

"I knew this teacher was challenging enough and that my child was engaged," she says. 

By staying curious about your child's day-to-day life, you can help catch any friction they might have with educators, or even peers.

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